My latest: Kayaking

HEY, WHY take a vacation if you can't milk it for a few newspaper columns? Here's another one on kayaking, foreshadowed in the previous. See it online at the Asahi site here or below.

A lack of teamwork leaves kayaking couple on the rocks
    It seemed like a good idea at the time. We would be visiting the Hawaiian Islands, and the cruise line was pushing us to sign up for shore excursions.
    My sister chose the ocean kayaking adventure in Hilo Bay. She and her son were experienced kayakers. My wife and I were not. What the hell, I thought. How hard could it be? I'd seen people leisurely paddling up placid rivers in movies. They always had time for clever banter.
The van to transport us to the beach arrived. The name of the excursion company was spelled out on the van's side with little pieces of black electrician's tape.
    At the beach, Guide No. 1 asked who had kayaking experience. Many hands waved in the pleasant tropical breeze. He gave a quick paddling lesson while his girlfriend, Guide No. 2, smiled.
It sounded difficult. Apparently, there were many ways to screw up. My wife and I would soon find all of them. He then asked, "See that white building across the bay?" Everyone nodded. "Paddle for that. If you aim directly for the bridge (our initial destination), the current will put you on the rocks and we wouldn't want that, would we?"
    We set off, pushing our tandem kayak into the ocean along with six other "teams." I sat in the back. According to Guide No. 1, I was in charge of steering. Our paddles smacked into the water splashing both of us. We laughed until we noticed that our kayak wasn't moving forward, at least not like all the others. We were already 200 meters behind the pod of kayaks and we had only been at it for five minutes.
    I tried to give my wife paddling tips. She took it badly and accused me of "incompetent steering." Ten minutes into our excursion, sweat poured down my face. She said she wanted to go "home." The sun gazed upon our pathetic efforts mercilessly.
    Five hundred meters ahead, a middle-aged couple in identical outfits led the pack. In perfect unison, they were like a machine.
As we neared the bridge, my paddle slipped, and I nearly took my wife's head off. Though it merely grazed her ear, she "accidentally" poked me in the gut with her paddle.
    We passed under the bridge. Up ahead, I could see our kayaking buddies enjoying their rest period. Desperate to catch up, I paddled furiously--and drove our kayak on top of a rock. Drat! Beached!
After an epic stupid struggle, we freed ourselves and joined the rest of the thrill seekers. They were floating in a little group, looking bored as Guide No. 1 climbed a tree and hung upside down from some vines. His antics were meant to be entertaining.
    My sister pointed at me and shouted, "Ha, ha! All those years in the Navy, and you can't even paddle a little boat!"
I was too exhausted for banter. Just as I was about to slide off the kayak into the cool water, Guide No. 1, tired of his tree-climbing shtick, yelled: "OK, rest period over. Time to go back."